So you want to come to China: Making friends!

Making friends:

The major cities in China all of websites like: Shanghai stuff, The Beijinger, Changchun friends, and (my city's) QHD connect. Finding these websites is great, you can find apartments, friends, roommates, and Chinese classes on their as well as jobs, bars, and “what to do this weekend.” If you're looking at going to a city find the city's page (see if they have one) and look it over so you know if you want to be there or not. Get an account before you get there, even make friends! 

There are two types of friends in China, the Chinese ones and the foreign ones. Having a mix is good. Do not only make friends with foreigners! Do not only hangout with the people at your place of work! But I also recommend not only having Chinese friends. Yes, you're in a new country and learning from the locals is awesome, but I can tell you from experience it gets really frustrating to have to grade your English all the time and not have anyone who undersands that pizza should not have fruit and corn on it! (if you come here you'll understand this statement) and that you do not believe in any way that you will get diarrea from getting your feet wet (this is a real concern here). 

Of course when I write this I assume everyone will take it the way I mean it. Not every Chinese person is the same just like not every "foreigner" is the same just like not every American is the same. I write this because I have known way to many people in the last year who get extremely upset by generalizations, but this is my general experience. When I talk about Chinese people I usually mean the ones that are crazy enough to hang around foreigners or have the courage to talk to a foreigner. In China you will meet Chinese born people who have spent lots of time abroad and have a very worldly point of view or ones who have never stepped foot out of their own country but are snarkier than your American friends. You will also meet foreigners who (for lack of a better term) "have gone native" and don't seam to be able to even speak their own language properly any more. Who knows who you'll be able to have a good conversation about "home" with and who you'll be able to complain about strange Chinese tendencies to. Sometimes Chinese people are the people with the most cynical views on China and it will be foreigners who get (overly?) sensitive about an off-handed comment (or full on rant) about your Chinese boss. You never know!

Make Chinese friends!!! They are wonderful. Don't be afraid. The worst thing about Chinese people I've met is that they have a tendency to be too friendly... Do don't be worried. You can make a best friend in China overnight and that friend will be prepared to help you with anything - I mean anything. The majority of Chinese people feel that you are their guest because you're in their country and they want you to have a good experience. Not to mention they hope you'll host them if they ever make it to the US, which they know is unlikely. Some Chinese people don't like having foreigners in their country, but I feel like that number is shrinking and being replaced by people who are positive about foreigners or just confused by us. 

Don't be intimidated by trying to make friends in China, it's easy. In small communities where their aren't a lot of foreigners, they will be happy to add you into their group. And Chinese people will think you're super cool! In bigger cities it's easy to find like minded people through big events, groups, or through online forums. Remember that it's easier to make friends from your own country when abroad than it is to make them in your own country. Why? Because if people have been gone from home two days, three months, or ten years they will crave a little piece of "home."

Most foreigners in China think that making foreign friends is easy enough but they get intimidated by making Chinese friends  This is what I have to say, even if you just meet a Chinese person in an English corner or at a social gathering you can still ask them to hangout with you, you can ask them to join you for dinner, or invite them shopping with you! The Chinese people I have met have all been super nice, especially the ones who you'll meet at social gatherings with a lot of foreigners or at English oriented activities, and of course English majors in college. 

I've met most of my Chinese friends at an English corner I frequent at a local cafe. After English corner is finished I say I want to go to dinner and there's always a group of at least five people trying to figure out where we should all go. It can be fun. 

Chinese people will try to baby you. I don't even think this is a generalization, I think it's just reality. I've lived in China almost a year and my waiban (professional foreign wrangler) held my arm while crossing the street yesterday! No matter how much I insist I understand the Chinese language I still get an excited "You understood me?" from my friends after responding to something they say in Chinese or even worse, applause from my students when I talk to their teachers in Chinese or when I call out a kids name from seeing the Chinese character (embarrassing). 

In fact, I generally believe that Chinese people think we foreigners commute from our home countries, and don't actually live in China. 

So your Chinese friend is telling you what restaurant to eat at and what to (and not to eat). Yes, this can be annoying, especially for us very (overly?) independent Americans! Advice? Get over it! If nothing else it's funny. Plus, your Chinese friends will introduce you to the best restaurants, the best foods, the best places to shop, and the best attractions to see. I promise. So what if you didn't understand what your Chinese friend said was the main dish served at their favorite restaurant and all of a sudden you're presented with the largest bowl you've ever seen and the only thing in it is duck heads? What if the rich dad of a student you've been helping tries to show off his wealth by buying you the most expensive thing on the menue and that happens to be sea cucumber? What if you get hot pot and your friends who are concerned about your health order cow stomach because in China they believe eating stomach is good for your stomach (and they similtaneously believe you can get diarrea from everything)? None of these things will kill you, I promise. Be adventurous! You're in China. Also, you'll get major props (gain a lot of face) from your Chinese friends for trying this stuff . 

Don't be afraid to ask for help or for what we think of as "favors." Honestly I was MIA for a few weeks once because I had an extended stay in a hospital. What happened when I told my Chinese friends about it after? I got yelled at, by all of them - for not telling them about it! Every one of them said they would have taken off work in a heart beat to be there for me. I had to talk a woman I work for out of coming to visit me, she just kept texting me things like "I'll be there in half an hour!," "What should I bring?,"  and "I'll cook you dinner!." I told one of my friends about being in the hospital and he actually stopped his car, turned to look at me, took my hand and said, "I hope that during your time in China you never have to go to the hospital again, but it you do - CALL ME!" 

I've had Chinese friends book me train tickets, help me buy stuff online, give me a place to stay, introduce me to students to tutor and people who want to hire me. I even got to be the international component for a design firm for one whole morning once because of a friend (and got paid a few hundred dollars for me "inconvenience"). I've gotten modeling jobs, free drinks, and someone even taught me how to play Mahjong! Foreign friends can be just as helpful. People who've been in the city/ China for a while don't mind you asking for help. I can tell you this for certain, because now I'm on the other side. I get people calling me asking for addresses in Chinese, to talk to their taxi drivers for them, or just for a good place to get a salad. 

If I could stress one thing to people who are new to China it's don't be independent. Take a break from the pressure of having to earn everything through hard work, do everything on your own, and pay for everything. Just sit back and let people take care of you for a change. If you're having a problem don't struggle with it on your own, you're in a community based society now not to mention surrounded by a (security) net of ex-pats. Enjoy the experience!